Mom

So I find myself at 2:45am sitting out in my living room...talking to my mom. I remember when I was younger, and at any time during the night, I could call my mom and just talk. It was usually about something that had upset, or of course, a boy, but I always knew that I could call her. Then came the internet...there was a time when my mom would be on the computer, constantly downloading music. Yep...MY mom...downloading music, and I would call her and she would play me all these different songs she was downloading.

My mom and I would fight, hell, even one time she hung up on me, I admit, I was being bitchy...so she hung up on me. Of course that pissed me off...so I kept calling her back. She would answer, I would yell "Dont hang up on me!"...then she would hang up on me without a word. Those were my teenage years.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was 12. My mom...well left. She didn't take anything, but her clothes and her car, she took nothing else, not me, not my brother. Sure...we were given a choice of who to live with, we both chose our dad, but for different reasons. My brother, simply because life was easier with my dad, and well me...I was mad. She left us. So, I stayed with my dad. I have always been a daddy's girl, but that moment cemented it, and many times over the years I have credited my dad with my upbringing. I have never been arrested, never done drugs, have worked since I was 16 years old, found a great guy, got married THEN had a baby. I turned out all right..and I have always credited my dad. Right after the divorce, my father forced me to my mom's house every weekend. I hated it. She was living with a man who was a friend of hers, and I really wanted to hate him. He had 4 sons, and my mom lived with them. From the moment I first went there on weekends, to this very day 25 years later, that man STILL treats me like his daughter. To me, that man is my step father, and those boys are my step brothers...so I have to thank my mother for that.

As my teen years passed, my mother and I grew closer again. The trust was back, but I was soon find out, it didn't last long. I found out that my mother had been married not once before my dad, but TWICE, and I had an older sister. Welcome to my WTF moment. I had always wanted a sister, and now, I had one. With the welcome news of my sister, came the trust that I had built with my mother crashing back down. That moment changed my life, and my relationship with my mother forever. I dont know what she was thinking back when she abandoned my sister...I have no idea. My mother NEVER talked about her past. She would tell me bits and pieces, but I have never met her side of the family. I want to make this clear, I love my sister. She is my flesh and blood. This story is about my relationship with my mom. I dont know if it was hatred I felt, betrayal, or disappoinment. It could have been a little of all of them. I still have those feelings...and I know I need to let them go...especially now.

So...I find out about my sister..and I am overjoyed. I go and meet her..she is awesome. I have 2 nieces...again...awesome. Then in 2004, tragedy strikes just as my life is changing...again. I meet the love of my life...and also get a phone call from my step dad that there is something wrong with my mom, but we dont know what. She seems to not know anyone, or believe that anything is real. My step dad thinks I can help, that i can help pull her out of it. I call her...she tells me she doesnt know who I am..that she doesn't have a daughter. More anger. More sadnesses. Mostly because what if I dont have the chance now to tell my mom I love her, what if she never remembers? Instead of me flying back to help, my brother took charge. My step dad and mom were never legally married, so medical decisions fell into our hands. We tried to get her checked out...but she refused to go to the doctors. So we had to force her. They found nothing wrong. But something was wrong. Sure..she remembered things now...but she just wasnt the same. She wouldn't leave the house. She missed my wedding...MY WEDDING!!!! Was I mad? Sure...but...I also understood. So the guilt started...how could I be mad...when I knew she wasn't herself. Then came avoidance. I didn't know what to say anymore...something could trigger her. We tried to keep anything bad from her...cause we were afraid of what would happen..would it be another psychotic break?

In the year 2008 again...the worst year of my life...and always the best year. In January 2008, I almost died. I had an untreated ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured and had almost killed me. I almost died...and I couldn't call my mother to tell her, to talk to her. Was I sad? Of course...but I understood why. Again..the guilt continued...I couldn't be the one who could possibly cause my mother anguish. The calls to my mom were shorter and shorter, and less frequent, simply because, I was afraid I would slip and say something I shouldn't. The calls were uncomfortable now. The person who at one time I could call and talk to about anything, was now gone. Two months after I almost died, we found out we were pregnant again. This was news I could share with my mom :-) But...I couldn't share my fears about it, and i was terrified. I wanted to be able to talk to my mom. Now sure, my father had remarried a wonderful woman who has always treated me as a daughter, and with that married I gained 3 stepsisters. With MY married I gained a Mother in law...but still, there is nothing like being able to talk to MY mom. When I went in to give birth to my son...I was so scared, and I called and let my mom know it was time. She cried. I wanted so bad for my mother to be there...to help me in the early days...but, she wasn't. Was I sad? Of course...but I undertood. The guilt dug deeper...I would send pictures of my son...and show him pictures of her so he knew who is Grandma was when he met her.

So...since my parents divorce when I was 12 until now, I went from being the youngest of 2 kids...to the middle of the pack of 10 collectively. I now have a big family...and I love it. But I miss my mom. She still had not met my son. Then it happened: June 26,2009, my brother calls me at 7:30am and tells me that our mother has passed away. My husband was at work...it was just me and my 6 month old son. I looked at him..and started crying. My mom was gone. No more phone calls, no more long talks...and my mom would never meet my son, her only grandson. She would never hold him. She would never see me as a mom. My brother, my husband, my son and I made the long drive to lay her to rest. I considered not bringing my son...but decided that maybe my step dad and step brothers, well, I wanted them to meet him. He brought joy to their faces in a time when we needed it. When my brother and i were at the funeral home, to see her, I went in and saw her alone. She looked so peaceful..her long blond hair. She was no longer in pain, no longer hiding from her demons. I hesitated...but then went and touched her silky hair and knew what I had to do. I went back out to the room...got my son, and took him in to meet his Grandmother. I know her spirit was there, as my son looked up to the sky and smiled. He had met his Grandma, and she had met him. I told her that day that I forgave her and i meant it, but the guilt lingered on. For about 8 months after that night, we could hear our son giggling in his bedroom at night, and we like to think my mom was there, watching over him. We think she left now, because our son will not sleep in his own room. He HAS to be near us.

So I sit here, now 3:15am with tears streaming down my face, looking up at her American Flag for her service to our great country, and looking at her urn, and remembering her. The good times, and the bad times. Tonight is one of those nights where I would have liked to have called my mom...my mom from 15 years ago...and talk to her. Talk to her about my fears, my life, my husband, my son...my worries.

I talked about how I credit my dad with how well I turned out, but I have to give my mom credit for the early years, before the divorce. I find myself raising my son with the same values and beliefs that my mother and father instilled in me. My mother was a stay at home mom, she taught me to read at 4 and do math at 5. She was strict, but kind. She loved me and I loved her. But the guilt still lingers in me and I dont know how to let it go. One day, I hope I can learn to let it go before it eats me up inside.

Karma's a bitch

Gotta love this whole Johan Van der Sloot thing. The idiot killed this nice girl from the U.S. but somehow (daddy) made it so his precious ass didn't go to jail. Then Daddy died...and 5 years to the date that Natalie Holloway was killed, Johan goes and does it again! I give Johan the theme song "Oops I did it again"...is this guy really THIS STUPID??? My opinion...oh yeah. Look at OJ dumbass!!! He got away with a DOUBLE MURDER...so he is a higher caliber than you. They had the DNA, the motive and everything...but, they found him not guilty. With Johan, they just couldn't pull the evidence together(or I should say, daddy had lots of money). But then...years later...OJ gets convicted on a lesser crime, for what, about the same amount of time? Johan, you pretty little ass is going down, and someone in that Peruvian jail is going to LOVE you!!! Daddy can't help you this time!!!

Yup...Karma is a bitch :-)

Common Courtesy

So...we live on the bottom floor in an apartment building. So of course it is reasonable to expect a certain amount of noise coming from upstairs. However, the noise our upstairs neighbors produce is ANYTHING but reasonable, but we deal with it. However today, today was just too much. I believe they had the Apartment Maintenance guys there working on something. The noises coming from upstairs was LOUD. Of course, they do this right during the time I just put the kid down for a nap, and for when I am trying to take a nap since I was working tonight, and hadn't really slept last night since the kid had tummy issues. So...I guess it tells you how tired we both were, that we actually slept thru the noise. My irritation is...isn't it common courtesy to as least notify your downstairs neighbor that work will be done upstairs that will cause obscene amount of noises??? I dunno...I would think it would be...but that is just me.

Work was decent tonight..I was covering a shift at a different location...and thought I locked the opening managers keys in the restaurant when I left...I called everyone to get his number..and then found out, I had the spare keys...so..now at least I wont be stressing.

Thank goodness I am off the next two days...maybe I can actually relax :-)

The 10 minute shower

Ok...all stay at home mom's know this...the 10 minute shower is heaven on earth. All day you are chasing after the kid, and while they are napping, you are either napping with them, cleaning, relaxing, or getting your 10 minute shower. Those 10 minutes in which the kid is unable to knock, scream, cry, stick their pudgy fingers under the door, is completly heaven. Of course, at first those 10 minutes FEEL like 10 seconds...but...when you master the art of the 10 minute shower, it feels like eternity...

The kid threw a MEGA Tantrum today because he didn't want to wait for his dinner to cool before I gave it to him. I have to give him credit, he stood in one spot, and every 10 seconds or so would scream "ai ongry"...or traslated into english, I'm hungry. I kept looking at him, trying to explain that it was hot, showed him it was hot, but let's face it, reasoning with an 18 month old is as useful as resoning with a wall...not a lot happens. So, with tears streaming down his face, he would cry, then scream, then stand there quiet...and then do it all over again. All I could do is look at him, and smile..on the inside of course. This went on for about 10-15 minutes. He never left that spot, then when it was cool enough for him to eat, he devoured it, and then continued to eat some of my dinner too. This kid is going to eat us out of our home, so I just have to hope all of this good food I am putting in him will help him grow big and strong, and get a great NFL contract. Then I can sit back in HIS house, stand in ONE spot, and SCREAM that I am hungry...and eat HIS food. A girl can dream can't she?

To leave this post today, I leave with this:

Time is short,
Love is sweet,
Children are precious,
but by the end of the day...I am BEAT!!!

Work, Life and everything in between

This morning I woke up to the cute little guys face pressed to mine, and I knew today would be much better than last night at work. Why...tell me WHY when people choose to go out to eat, that they dont remember that the people who are at work are PEOPLE TOO!!! It's like, all of the sudden we become lowly servants without feelings, or even intelligence, and we are just dismissed. People, I will tell you now...BE NICE TO THE PEOPLE WHO SERVE YOU!!! It's interesting how people think just because they have gone out to eat, that manners and being completely civil are thrown out the window. I try to be nice and courteous to these people, because well, that's what I get paid for, but wow, sometimes people make it darn hard! For example...if you order a TO GO order, typically that means you are taking it TO GO. Yesterday we had these 2 ladies (and I use that term loosely) who order TO GO when we were extremelly busy. As soon as their food was up and packaged, they decided they wanted it for dine in. So, my host, who wasn't thinking...lets them sit at a table. So 2 problems with this, 1: we are on a wait list and the people who were waiting to dine in should have gotten that table, and they are now mad that they didn't get that table, and 2: that server now loses a tip off of that table because this is the common trick people play to get out of tipping. So, he seats them at the table, and they IMMEDIATELY demand a server bring them water...ok...so about 3 min later, my server, DOING THEIR JOB, took them water. A few minutes later, they stop ANOTHER SERVER and demand a bowl of chili. Ok...so maybe they will tip since they ordered at the table...well, there were about 14 orders ahead of theirs, and about 4 minutes after ordering that bowl of chili, one of the "ladies" oomes to me and wants to know where her chili was...my first thought was "in your face if you dont back off" but, I let her know it would be right there. I got the chili for her, took it to her table and I asked if she wanted anything else. Instead of being poilte and saying "no, and thank you for rushing the chili" I got a hand in the face and was told, nothing. Oh...and they didn't leave a tip. Total Bitches. In my dream world, ever person out there should work in a restaurant at least once in their lives to see what it's like. Maybe, just maybe they would think twice about how they treat people.

As for the other part of my world, when I got home from work, I couldn't sleep. The hubby and the kid went to bed, and I came out to the living room to watch Nurse Jackie and The United States of Tara. As I was sitting there, I looked up on the wall at my mothers American Flag and her urn, and I started to cry. Not only because it was Memorial Day, and my mother served in the Navy (although she did not die in combat), but because, the guilt overcame me. I started wondering why I wasnt there for her when she needed me. Why I didn't call her everyday. Why I didn't make more of an effort. She missed out on meeting the kid when she was alive. She missed out on getting to know my wonderful hubby. She missed out on time with me. The first anniversary of her death is approaching this month...

To end todays blog, I will end on a happy note...the kid is jumping and dancing around doing his "happy dance" because Jungle Junction just came on. Damn...to be young again :-)